Al and Joe, Henry and Ro

Tumblr

2010-08-19T10:28:00.002-04:00

I'm packing my proverbial bags and moving my blog over to Tumblr. I've determined Tumblr to be the dark wash skinny jean and Blogger to be the tapered Levi, and I've unknowingly been wearing tapered Levis.

I'm leaving the world of mommy bloggers and moving to a world in which people blog for a self-deprecating laugh or two. Sianara, suckas: thebaucompair.tumblr.com

Namesake

2010-08-11T20:22:00.012-04:00

I am watching a serial killer special while home alone, i.e. typical Wednesday night. I was folding laundry and kept hearing the name "Henry Lucas" on TV. I gasped. This is our dog's full name (aside: I realize this isn't your run-of-the-mill canine name) and apparently it's also one of the most horrific serial killers in American history. He was a drag queen mass murderer. This provides a little insight into Henry's personality. Just look at that darling little face. Who'd have thought?

Get your tissues ready

2010-08-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

Joe emailed me the video above and begged me to watch it. True story, I do not cry easily. I made it approximately 10 seconds into this video before I was boo-hooing. Give it a watch. Your heart will swell.

Birthday

2010-08-11T15:59:00.014-04:00

24 days until my birthday. Yes, I am one of those obnoxious birthday fanatics. I'm foregoing my birthday this year to celebrate my college roomie getting married. That sounded bitter. Redo: my college roomie is getting married on my birthday! Best way to celebrate growing another year older. So please humor me in my self-indulgence for a moment. I have been scavenging all the usual haunts for fall fashion and these are my faves. I may make these pretties a birthday present to myself, unless a certain husband would like to do that.

Decadent deluge necklace
Rocha in Porsini
Fern belted plaid dress

Prep school scarf

Lustre earrings

Charming composite clutch

Jag Stripe Dress

Erica's Wedding/My Birthday
As my mom has always told me, I have champagne taste on a beer budget.

Doing my Friday dance

2010-08-06T11:52:00.003-04:00

I was able to coerce my boss into letting me go at 4 PM today in exchange for 2 extra strength Advils for his hellacious hangover. Some days, I love corporate America. He who has the ~~gold~~ Advil makes the rules.

Genetics

2010-08-06T09:25:00.008-04:00

In typical Gowan fashion, my family is in town for 24 hours during the workweek so that my dad can speak at a conference here in Atlanta. Last night we went to the Braves game on someone else's nickel and had killer seats (no pun intended- a girl in our section got wiped out with a rogue bat). The game was a blast, the weather was perfect and the Braves won. Better than that, they won at 9:35 PM and I was excited to get home at a decent hour. The entire night went perfectly. Too perfectly until it came time to find the car.

Dad: (confidently walking towards parking behind center field) "What kind of rental car are we in?"
Nathan: "A navy blue Cobalt, the most basic car in production."
Me: "Are you guys telling us you don't know where you parked?"
Dad: "I KNOW it was behind center field."
Nathan: "I paid attention to where we parked. We parked next to side-by-side Porta Johns."
All: (scanning parking lot littered with Porta Johns)
Me: "Just when I thought we'd get home early...."
Nathan: "Well at least it's not raining."
Cue driving rain.
Mom: (pulls poncho out of her pocket)

We spent the next 25 minutes trying to find the car only to discover that we'd been in the wrong lot all along. Now you know where I get it from.

Christmas comes early

2010-08-05T15:43:00.010-04:00

Lifetime original movies are now for sale on the network's website as well as Amazon.com. This.is.thrilling. The second I heard the news I immediately scanned both sites for the best Lifetime movie ever "Eye of the Stalker: Moment of Truth" and was heartbroken to see that it was not available for purchase. This is not okay. This requires an email to the network (below). I await the response with baited breath. Hello, these were going to be my girlfriends' birthday presents this year. Work with me, Lifetime.

To Whom it May Concern,

I was thrilled to discover that you are now selling the network's original movies! Personally, I think lots of women have a "favorite" Lifetime movie that they'd love to watch at leisure. My favorite happens to be "Eye of the Stalker: Moment of Truth", however I was hugely disappointed to find that this was not available for purchase. In fact, none of the "Moment of Truth" movies are available for purchase. Is this something you hope to remedy in the future? I eagerly await your response.

Loyal Lifetimer,
Allison

My plans for future wealth

2010-08-02T10:21:00.000-04:00

I just can't quit you

2010-07-30T09:40:00.008-04:00

Yesterday marked my triumphant return to the Marta. The SunTrust parking garage employees must have honed in on their Nancy Drew skills and pieced together mine and Paul's parking spot share plan. I got a phone call on Monday that the jig was up. Rather than pay a disgusting amount to COME TO WORK and park, I knew what I had to do. I rode in my former daily seat on the Marta yesterday and sat next to one of the usual suspects, a 60ish year old man who refuses to embrace 21st century technology. He wears headphones the size of earmuffs and listens to tapes via the last tape player in existence. He gave me a knowing smile as I plopped down beside him. A smile that seemed to say, "we've missed you, fellow rider. You got too big for your britches with your fancy pre-paid parking spot. Riding the train with the working class is right where you belong".

To add some excitement to my commute, I plan to do themed music weeks that fall under the umbrella of the themed month, i.e. August will be rap/R&B women. Weeks in August will go as follows:

Week 1: Destiny's Child, original members
Week 2: Aaliyah
Week 3: Mariah Carey, 1990s only
Week 4: Miss Minaj

Future House

2010-07-28T17:42:00.010-04:00

I have a folder on my desktop titled "Future House" for when the day comes that we say hasta la vista to apartment life. There are currently 120 photos sitting in this folder that make me lust over farmhouse tables, Leontine linens and footed bathtubs. To join me in my torment, take a peek at the photos below and wipe the drool off your keyboard.

Broke 101

2010-07-27T10:40:00.014-04:00

Over the course of college years and into post-college life, I have learned a valuable skill: how to be broke. It's not exactly a fun trade in which to build expertise, but it certainly helps when push comes to shove and pulling up wachovia.com in the browser induces chest pains. Jackie and I first began perfecting this craft in college. Popular entrees on Collegeview Avenue included Food Lion saltines topped with Food Lion cream cheese (a little garlic powder if we wanted to get fancy), and spaghetti noodles with Parmesan cheese and Italian dressing. If ever I need to tighten the purse strings, I just revert back to my collegiate penny-pinching.

This is our current reality. Don't judge.

- only 1 light on at a time unless I'm cooking
- clean with bleach, vinegar and lemons. At the rate I run through Comet and Windex, I need a second job
- use rags for cleaning/dusting instead of paper towels. If paper towels must be used, go off-brand
- don't let the dogs watch TV during the day anymore (they have formed a picket line against this one)
- no eating out. Not even Subway. Not even if it's the daily special
- drink cheap. 2 buck Chuck/Bud Light cheap. This may reduce my street cred
- use VO5 conditioner, it's 99 cents. I will.not.use.cheap.shampoo

I welcome any further cheapo strategies.

Thankful

2010-07-26T10:20:00.004-04:00

My mom and I were chatting it up this morning for our daily "keep Allison awake on her commute" phone call. Mid-sentence my mom gasps and whispers that she hears footsteps. Just seconds before I drove my Civic into the back of the school bus in front of me, she squealed with excitement. My dad pretended to leave the house for work, then came back home to surprise my mom, who was donning paint clothes and a do-rag, with a big bouquet of flowers for their 30th anniversary.

I know I'm grossly biased, but I think my parents are the cutest ever. They still look at each other like crazy-in-love high schoolers. They still surprise each other all the time. I could not have asked for a better example set for me. I am so thankful for them- that they are together, that they are in love, and that they are re-discovering their lives together as empty nesters. I can't wait to throw them a surprise party for their 50th. I can write that since my parents don't read this little blog. As my mom says, "Sweetiegirl, I couldn't find that thing if I tried all day". Bless that woman.

Year One

2010-07-22T23:43:00.007-04:00

Pardon the cliche, but the first year of marriage has been a ~~roller coaster~~ walk in the park. On one hand: opposite schedules, drastically different jobs, one full-time student/server, one entry-level career gal and a lean bank account. On the other: two goofy personalities, two humanistic dogs, a shared love of cheap food and one dream of a happy life together.

Thank you, Joe, for being a part of this incredible, rocky climb with me. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

"Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough"

Cruise

2010-07-22T22:59:00.013-04:00

Ahhhhmazing vacation. Recap (spoken at auctioneer speed): first anniversary, teal water, cracked conch, conch salad, conch fritters, yard stick drinks, off-brand Dramamine, Senor Frog rejects, blackjack, Bahama Mamas, Dessi the waitress, family reunions, Alejandro, Freeport and Nassau, all-you-can-eat buffets, Atlantis, Spanish Jacquie, blackjack, all-you-can-eat buffets. Those last two bear repeating.

Some photos as proof that we actually went:

We clean up alright.

She's a beaut, Clark, a beaut!

You'll have to pry this coconut from my cold, lifeless hands.

It was evidently strapless tiered floral dress night on the ship.

Ride

2010-07-22T17:08:00.003-04:00

Dear C (if I may call you that),

I have spent countless hours wondering where you have been for the last year. Finally, a new single. The wait is over. Based on the music video, I'm going to assume you've been in the gym for the last year. 1,2 Step and Like a Boy were my anthems, girl. Listen, I just want to apologize for not approaching you when you came into PF Chang's with your entourage two summers ago. I wanted so badly to talk to you but was scared I'd give off the wrong vibe by telling you that I have a ridiculous infatuation with you. Plus I didn't want to put a damper on your Americanized Asian meal. I couldn't help but notice your Atlanta hat in the new vid. Now that I know you live here, that you're my fellow Atlantan, I feel certain a rendezvous is possible. Also, you must teach me this entire dance sequence.

Automatic, Supersonic, Hypnotic, Funky-fresh,

Allison

It's been a long time...

2010-07-22T15:57:00.015-04:00

I shouldn't have left you
Without a dope beat to step to- Timbaland/Aaliyah

And if you don't know this song, we probably shouldn't be friends.

Some innocent musings that have been occupying my cerebral space. Presented Jack Handy style, sort of.

We have an interview candidate who was initially scheduled to come in and meet with my boss this week. He emailed to let us know he'd broken his neck in "a poolside 4th of July incident". The recruiter for the aforementioned candidate suggested we send him a thoughtful card and gift. Upon my inquiry of what sort of gift would be appropriate, she suggested a chicken soup gift basket. This is either absurdly unfitting to his ailment, or I have underestimated the healing power of chicken soup.

I consider my dogs to be people. This is no surprise to anyone in my circle of friends. On my way to Clemson with the pups, I caught myself driving in the HOV lane. Now I know I've taken it too far.

Post Bahamian cruise, I have continued to eat roughly 5,000 calories a day. On vacation, this is permissible as the food is "prepaid" and I always get the biggest bang outta my buck. At home, food is not "prepaid" and pounds do count now that we're on American soil. I ate so much yesterday that my bellybutton is changing it's shape.

I've discovered that I become irate at people's misuse of cheese. Joe is a chronic offender. I swear he would put Parmesan on a taco.

At work, we are doing a massive renovation that will require the occupants from our other building to be moved to our floor. I am quite used to 15x15 ft. of personal space. I now have to be totally aware of the bizarre things I do as I will now have workplace "neighbors". I hope they like the Bert Show. And aren't bothered by the fact that I prepare full meals at my desk. And aren't offended by occasional bursts of laughter caused by gmail convos.

Our Dogs: A Character Analysis

2010-07-13T11:49:00.026-04:00

When I get home from work, 90% of the time it's just my four-legged friends and me. We kick back, relax, watch some reality and/or crime TV and eat countless double stuffed Oreos (ok, this part is just me). Oftentimes I use this canine quality time to just sit and look at the dogs and try to figure them out.

Roney and I are cut from the same cloth. Fairly relaxed, sometimes irritable when bothered, mild-natured and somewhat people-pleasing. I understand him, he understands me. He's a gentle giant, a sensitive little fellow. I also think he gets chronic headaches like me, but this is mere speculation.

Henry is wild and defiant but somehow needy and adoring. His temperament is so hot and cold that it's no wonder he's anxiety-ridden. He's entirely dependant on affection but will throw it in your face when he's in a fit.

I like to think about the dogs as literary characters (note: for those who continue to read further, I fear this is the point at which I may lose friends). I think if Ronin were human, he would be Joe Gargery, of Great Expectations, one of my all time favorites. He's noble and strong but unafraid to show his emotions. His character in the book plays a do-good doting fatherly role to the childish Pip (read: Henry). If Henry were human, he would be Pearl, of The Scarlet Letter. After the first 6 months of bringing him home I would have changed his name to Pearl had he been a lady pup. He's an elfish little dog; a rule-breaker, a baffling mixture of strong emotions with a capacity for evil.

Ironically, I'm analyzing my dogs as complex characters while they're likely at home fantasizing about Bil Jac treats and escaping their leashes.

Steinbrenner

2010-07-13T11:16:00.000-04:00

I can't say I was ever a Yanks fan, but I am a huge Larry David fan. In memory of Mr. Steinbrenner, a little snippet from Calzone, one of my personal favorite episodes.

RHONJ

2010-07-13T10:37:00.004-04:00

Nearly $11 million. That’s the amount of debt that Real Housewives’ of NJ Teresa Giudice and her husband Joe are facing. This includes the foreclosure of their Towaco, NJ mansion, which is used in the Real Housewives’ series. They have filed for bankruptcy and are undergoing credit counseling.

How did the Giudice's get into this much debt? Simply, it’s a matter of spending more than they earn, which is allegedly $79,000 a year. Here’s a laundry list of some of their debt, courtesy NY Post:

Credit card debt — $104,000 (including $20,000 on credit cards for Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus).
Car payment — $1,280/month for their Cadillac Escalade (they defaulted on payments).
Fertility clinic — $12,000
Real estate — $2.6 million for eight mortgages on three homes (two were taken by lenders)
Business investments — $5.8 million
Phone bill — $2,300
Home repairs — $85,600

I love Teresa but perhaps she should have listened to her fellow housewife, LuAnn. Money can't buy you class.

Inbox

2010-07-12T17:31:00.005-04:00

When I got to work today, the following was in my inbox compliments of my co-worker, Carla:

Monday, July 12, 2010

Good morning.Do not disappoint your haters this week.. Keep rocking extremely hard! Yes Yes Yall!

God is Love,
Rev Run

Monday just got a little better.

Did she eat Ashley?

2010-07-09T09:44:00.005-04:00

I was all for Jessica embracing a few extra el bees. Come on, she's gorgeous and nobody can be Calista Flockhart skinny forever. Maybe she eats her feelings. I was on her side, until this dress happened. Her spanx have turned against her and evidently so has her stylist. I would like to submit this dress as evidence.

Then I think to myself, wait a minute, you're a celebrity. I think "be skinny" is listed as a job req. Why do I feel sorry for her? She can afford dieticians, trainers, photoshoppers, the works. On second thought, get skinny, Jessica, high school skinny.

E2

2010-07-07T15:31:00.008-04:00

Today I need a pack of Peanut M&Ms more than I need my next breath. My urge is anxiety-induced, hormone-induced and junkie-needs-a-fix induced. Thankfully I squirrel away change at my desk for these sorts of occasions. I eagerly count the change, 65 cents, perfection. I think I recall a vending machine email circulating through the office. I dig back through my email to re-read last week's announcement citing that all vending machine snack prices have increased; inflation, I loathe you. Remembering that my beloved Peanut M&Ms are now 70 cents, I get desperate. I mug the chubby girl next to me for a nickel. She looks at me as if I asked her for a clean needle. I realize it's highly possible that I'm pale, shaky and my veins are quite prominent. She is nickle-less and sees the wild look in my eye. Knowing what's best for her, she scours the office for the 5 cents I need to return to human form. Success! My hands are shaking as I punch the memorized E2 code into the vending machine. My Peanut M&Ms are stuck. My heart sinks to my bellybutton. My next thought was to use what my mama gave me to free the snack- these hips don't lie, vending machine. Alas there are newbies in the break room "working" while they watch the world cup. I cannot go Mike Tyson on this vending machine's ass without paying the price of office rumors. So here I sit, at my desk sans M&Ms. I'm contemplating my next move. I've already chewed one hand's worth of nails down to the quick.

Tough Stuff

2010-07-02T10:38:00.006-04:00

My mom is attending a double funeral this weekend for her cousins Norman and Tim, both her age. The two brothers had vastly different lives that were both taken in a two-day span. One brother died slowly of a brain tumor and said his goodbyes. The other brother overdosed in lieu of the news of his brother's passing. It's heart wrenching for a father to bury his two sons on the same day, both far younger than he. Although their stories are so different, each loss is just as great.

I say all of this not to illicit sympathy, as we were not close, but to say that we should hold tight to each other, as tight as we can.

Lifetime comes to life

2010-06-29T21:14:00.006-04:00

One of my paranoid fears is that psychos who watch movies with murderous plots will carry out said murderous plots in real life.

Case in point: The alarming news blurb below bears an eerie similarity to Lifetime's "Cries in the Dark" and "Empty Cradle". In fact, if combined, these two movies create the exact plot carried out by Stephanie Foster.

Prosecutors have filed formal charges against a Terre Haute woman accused of stabbing a couple in an attempt to kidnap their newborn son. Thirty-four-year-old Stephanie Foster was charged Friday with attempted murder, attempted armed robbery, aggravated battery and attempted criminal confinement while armed with a deadly weapon.

Police say Foster faked pregnancy after having a miscarriage nine months ago, then plotted to steal a newborn and pass it off as her own. Authorities say Foster attacked Ashley and Michael Speer in their Prairie Creek, Ind. home Wednesday. Ashley Speer was hospitalized is expected to recover. As Foster was taken into custody, the pillows she'd used to fake a pregnancy for months fell to the ground, reports CBS News Correspondent Cynthia Bowers.

Police say that, as her original due date approached, Foster scoured local birth announcements and arbitrarily zeroed in on the Speers. Foster used a ploy to get into their home, asking to use their phone, Vigo County Sheriff Jon Marvel told CBS News Correspondent Anthony Mason on "The Early Show on Saturday Morning." Then, she allegedly began stabbing a terrified Ashley, then Michael, before he subdued her and called for help. Marvel says Foster went "to great extremes" to convince people she was pregnant, even putting a pint mixer stick under her clothes and moving it to make it appear the fetus was kicking. "For nine months," he added, "she was very, very cunning in an attempt to disguise her not being pregnant."

"In 25 years of law enforcement," State Police Sgt. Joe Watts told reporters, "I don't know that I've come upon this kind of call." But it does happen, Bowers points out.

Why, yes, Joe Watts, this kind of stuff does happen- in Lifetime movies.

Beachy Keen

2010-06-28T10:55:00.017-04:00

Consider this a forewarning of the stream-of-consciousness post to follow.

Today marks our return to reality from Seagrove Beach. Although I'm sure the hazmat troops trolling for oil would tend to disagree, it was a little slice of heaven.

It may seem strange to normal society that we still vacation with a flock of roughly 25, but it only adds hilarity and drama to what may otherwise be a peaceful trip. Joe and I drove through the sticks of Alabama to get to Seagrove. We lost cell phone reception for 2 plus hours and saw towns that time forgot. I swear to you we saw signs that read "Gerald Ford for President". Arriving at the house was almost a mirage. Appropriately named "Out-of-Sight", the house boasted more square footage in one bedroom than Joe's and my entire apartment. Joe spent the first evening of our vacation sleeping at AT&T. 7 hours of hanging out on a sidewalk with every other techie-geek in the 30A area for an iPhone4. Despite the perfect weather, we spent a good chunk of our vacay indoors watching the World Cup and the College Baseball World Series. The Clemson v. USC baseball games got a little intense in our beach house. In the end, we were all rooting for USC because of their star player, Jackie Bradley Junior. Based solely on his ridiculous name, we couldn't help but root for the Gamecocks.

On the days when the water was crystal clear, we kayaked along the shoreline. Perhaps we would not have done so if we'd previously heard what the hazmat workers had discovered washed up on the beach- a human toe. I can't make this stuff up. They thought it to be remains of one of the workers from the intitial BP explosion, but couldn't be certain. In my crime-obsessed mind, the toe was likely from a murder we've yet to hear about.

There is nothing better than drinking peach beer, screaming bloody murder swimming from a shark and watching your grandma do the electric slide across the front porch.

Bieber Fever

2010-06-17T10:37:00.010-04:00

Joe has bowling league every Wednesday night. Aside: that felt like some sort of an I- married-a-closet-dork confession. Joe asked me to join this league at the beginning of the season (bowling has a season?). Naturally I scoffed at the idea. I am barely able to bowl without bumpers, I do not want to wear those shoes that thousands of potentially unhygienic people put on their feet and I do not want to be one of those people who bring their own ball to a bowling alley and tally their own scores.

Last night, I regretted mocking the bowling league membership. Who was bowling alongside Joe, you ask? Only the most paparazzi stalked famous babyfaced teen on the planet, Justin Bieber. I am not going to go as far as to say that I have caught "Bieber fever", but I am just a tad celeb obsessed. I have been too nervous to speak to any celebrity I've ever come near (i.e. Cierra, TI, the list goes on). I do, however, think I could have mustered the courage to approach little Bieber. He's 15 years old with a 5'3 stature, I could be his babysitter for heaven's sakes. Not to mention he might want to be my friend since I have my driver's license and he has a Hummer. Don't worry, Justin, our day will come. Now I know where you and your sophomore friends go to hang. Is it still bowling season?

Dig it

2010-06-15T20:59:00.000-04:00

iSwim

2010-06-14T14:43:00.028-04:00

Joe and I met up with the neighbs for some pool time yesterday. To my own surprise, I actually got in the pool, thus requiring my beach towel. I made the mistake of asking Joe for said towel without warning him that my phone was sitting on it. I suppose I didn't feel the need to mention it since my phone is roughly the size of a newborn. As I reached for my towel I heard a splash and looked toward the bottom of the 5 foot pool. Being that my eye-sight is on par with Stevie Wonder's, I naively asked what was next to my foot at the bottom of the pool. I watched as all of the color drained from Joe's face as he shared the news that the object was in fact, my iPhone.

I played it cool for the rest of the day saying things like, "it's just a phone", "it's no biggie" to prevent Joe's guilt from worsening and me from looking like a raging lunatic. In reality, I am no cool cucumber. I woke up this morning to the painful realization that I was entirely cut off from civilization. Game plan: find a cheap phone for fear of loss of friends. I got on the AT&T website and was met with the harsh reality that I would have to pay roughly 80 smackaroos for a crap phone with T9word texting capabilities. New game plan: go to Apple and play dumb. This plan sounded infinitely better.

I sauntered into Apple, phone in hand, dignity in the car. I found an Apple techie who bore an uncanny resemblance to Bill Bo Baggins. I may have even faked a southern drawl when describing my inability to turn my phone on. I shamelessly flirted with the hobbit until he agreed to sell me an iPhone at a 50% discount. That's 99.00, folks. That's about what I would have paid at AT&T for something along the lines of a drug dealer's trac phone while forced to re-sign yet another service contract. Joe couldn't be prouder that I lowered my moral standards in the name of 21st century technology. This phone-less 24 hours has proven to be traumatizing. I learned that I am as technology reliant as the average 16 year old.

Speaking of J.Crew...

2010-06-11T15:32:00.002-04:00

Pardon the blog segway. The day is finally upon us. Feast your eyes.

Madewell.com

J'adore

2010-06-10T10:43:00.003-04:00

On sale for $249.99. I love your summer dresses, J.Crew. Le sigh.

Henry the Weiner (read: Winner)

2010-06-09T15:17:00.013-04:00

Henry told me yesterday that despite his muddled genetics (we suspect him to be Doxle: Dachshund/Beagle) he'd like to participate in the annual Georgia Dachshund Races this month. This little guy is the fastest dog I have ever seen. It's biologically improbable that a dog with mere 4 inch legs could break the sound barrier while chasing a tennis ball, but I've seen it with my own eyes. Hen is a little bullet and a fierce competitor to boot. I have no doubt he would would wipe the track with those purebred Doxies.

Alas, the Dachshund races take place while we're in Florida. Henny is inconsolable. Not only must he miss out on the family beach trip (the house prohibits pets), but now he'll be forced to miss the highlight of his summer. Apparently he'd been practicing his races while Roney timed him with a stopwatch. He'd also been saving his money for a John Vega outfit to wear to the Dachshund clothing competition. Henry knew the winning pooch would receive an all-expense paid trip to Las Vegas this October and he wanted to send his people on a trip to thank them for being patient with his anxiety and for providing him with daily Prozac to ease his stresses. He left his completed registration form on the kitchen table with the hope that we'd at least consider entering him. Maybe we'll just have to get him the John Vega spring jacket as a consolation prize.

P90OMG

2010-06-09T10:34:00.007-04:00

Per my request, my brother is burning Joe and I a copy of his P90X DVD and bringing it to Florida. This way, if we aren't as dedicated as we hope to be, at least we aren't out a pretty penny. I am terrified, which is a gross understatement. I've been pep-talking my body for the hell that it's about to endure in the coming weeks. I am a on-again, off-again exerciser and Joe hasn't been routinely working out since his teens. The guy used to be a triathlete. Perhaps that's why I find his looming fear of P90X so amusing.

I just parused the P90X website and was taken aback by the overuse of the words "ripped" and "extreme". I prefer using the elliptical and hand-weights, which are not "extreme" and do not make me "ripped". This is clearly a workout routine targeting men or the words "toned" and "tight" would have been used instead. I'm quite relieved there are abs and yoga segments. Thankfully, I don't think it's physically possible for me to develop biceps resembling the man on the DVD cover. I'm not going for gender ambiguity here, I just want to get my thighs in check.

I love working downtown

2010-06-08T14:21:00.003-04:00

Suspected grenade was a false alarm
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Police sounded the all clear around 1:30 p.m. after a bomb squad determined that the suspicious package reported by mail room workers at the Peachtree Summit Federal Building contained no explosives.
The workers spotted the package during a routine X-ray at the building, located at 401 West Peachtree St., said officer Otis Redmond of the Atlanta Police Department. Redmond alerted the media just after noon.
Authorities swooped into the area, ordering an evacuation of the building, which houses several agencies including the Internal Revenue Service.
They also closed nearby streets, including Ivan Allen Boulevard and West Peachtree Street.
Redmond said the glass object aroused suspicion because of its shape.

Choppers, police cars, bomb squad and mobs of people piling out of downtown over a glass object.

Thank you, BP

2010-06-08T11:03:00.004-04:00

Countdown to family vacay: 15 days.
Countdown to oil soaking the coast of Seagrove beach: TBD.

I wonder if my hair is in one of those shoreline pom-poms. I also wonder if we will see any clear water along the gulf coast by the time we arrive. Thank you, BP for ruining the ocean. I will only continue to go to your gas stations because they are the most sanitary and well-lit. They also have the best snacks.

Regardless, I cannot wait to be sitting on this wrap-around porch with my family. As my dad says, this trip will give new meaning to Jimmy Buffett's lyrics, "all of those tourists covered in oil..."

Home Sweet Home

2010-06-08T10:38:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure how this realtor got my email address to send me this gorgeous for-sale home, but boy does she know how to find a steal. I'm hoping we can put in an offer before someone snatches this off the market!

Random Blurbs

2010-06-03T16:37:00.015-04:00

Jackie referring to her boss, Jim, potentially renting office space that would no longer allow her to work from home:

"What do I say, though? Jim, I think that is a bad idea because I really enjoy sitting at home and working in my PJs with my business partner {referencing her Weimaraner, Riley}."

My mother called my work phone in the middle of the day. I immediately assumed this was an emergency. I picked up the phone after half a ring. She says the following:

"Did you know Claire {my cousin} was getting 7 teeth pulled today?!"

"If I go to the doctor today and they tell me I've got strep throat, I'm changing the name of the virus to 'Whitney-itus'."

- Joe on getting sick every time Whitney plans to visit

Once a Killer, Always a Killer

2010-06-03T14:04:00.013-04:00

I think the old adage actually reads, "once a cheater, always a cheater", but it seems quite adaptable dependant on the situation.

22 year-old Joran van der Sloot, the elusive playboy who was arrested and released twice in the disappearance of Natalee Halloway has been named the primary suspect in the murder of 21 year-old Peruvian woman, Steaphany Ramirez, whose body was discovered over the weekend at the Miraflores Hotel Rac in Lima, Peru. The room was registered under van der Sloot's name and surveillance cameras capture van der Sloot leaving the room that the two shared unaccompanied. Detectives suspect that Flores was killed on the five year anniversary of Holloway's 2005 disappearance. van der Sloot has made it through customs in Chilie and is now on the run and suspected to be fleeing to Argentina. A global manhunt has been launched.

If detectives in Aruba are still questioning Joran van der Sloot's innocence, they need not question any longer. I hope that somewhere in this subsequent tragedy there is justice for the Holloway family.

Side note: I cannot wait to watch Nancy Grace destroy him in the media.

Golden Girl

2010-06-03T13:12:00.002-04:00

For those of us who love the Golden Girls, Rue McLanahan will always live on as Blache Devereaux. Cheers to you, Rue, rest in peace.

Blanche: I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons.
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 4 kids, I've never had a Mercedes. So, which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.

Blanche: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy: Ah, your first kiss was in the rain?
Blanche: No, it was in the shower.

Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.

Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?

Blanche: There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.

Bermuda, Bahamas, Come on Pretty Mama

2010-06-03T11:10:00.005-04:00

40 days and counting...

Manna from Heaven

2010-06-03T09:33:00.004-04:00

With the introduction of new P.F. Chang's Home Menu, those who long for the signature Asian cuisine made famous by P.F. Chang's China Bistro can now conquer their cravings at home. Created with the expert chefs at P.F. Chang's and produced and distributed by Unilever one of the world's largest consumer products companies, the P.F. Chang's Home Menu line includes eight premium frozen entrees with the bold flavors associated with P.F. Chang's. Inspired by P.F. Chang's best-selling recipes, the line includes: Orange Chicken, Shanghai Style Beef, Sweet & Sour Chicken, General Chang's Chicken, Ginger Chicken & Broccoli, Beef with Broccoli, Shrimp in a Garlic Sauce and Shrimp Lo Mein.

The only way this news could possibly get any better is if they started mass producing Hot Fish sub chicken cooked mild. In the interim, this'll do.

Hiatus

2010-06-02T11:32:00.021-04:00

Pardon my extended blogging hiatus, for those of you (i.e. Torie) who'd like me to give this blog some TLC.

JB and I made our annual trek to Chicago to visit one of our all-time favorite people, Jason Meter. I was thrilled we chose Memorial Day weekend rather than our usual week between Christmas and New Years. It was nice to go outside sans hand warmers, 4 coats and an unflattering hat. It's safe to say I packed enough of my wardrobe to clothe every homeless Chicagoan, assuming they like patterned tops and skinny jeans. We kicked the first night off with local bars and ended the night in karaoke; Billy Joel, please accept our most sincere apologies.

Trip Highlights:

- IML: for those of you (like us) who were previously unaware of International Mr. Leather, allow me to enlighten you. IML consists of thousands of scantily clad gay men in leather who flock to Chicago and overtake House of Blues. It just so happens that House of Blues is directly below Meter's building. People watching doesn't get much better than this (read: ass-less chaps and angel wings).

- Arlington: I.hate.horses. That being said, I thought I'd hate seeing them race. Boy was I mistaken. For someone who had never made a monetary gamble in my life, I have mad skillz. Evidently choosing the horse with the most creative name to win can pay off. My only regret was having left my derby hat in Atlanta- for shame. I really thought I'd packed it all.

- The beach, err "beach": i.e. Chicago's Lake Michigan shoreline. I have never, and I mean NEVER seen this many people in one place EVER. There were easily 30,000 beachgoers on Memorial Day. In Joe's words, "this beach is public as sh*t".

Meter lands in Atlanta next Wednesday night. Annnnd round 2.

Broken Bells - The High Road

2010-05-25T15:06:00.001-04:00

I am obsessed with this song. The lyrics are a little bizarre but hard to understand so you can easily make up your own words, well, I do at least. I am trying to distract myself from remembering that Lady GaGa tickets are on sale right now. For upwards of $100 a pop, I'll be watching the Fame Monster on youtube.

Confessional

2010-05-18T20:45:00.046-04:00

When I'm starting to feel a little discouraged, I like to watch television shows that make me feel better about myself. It's a very outside-the-box form of ego building, but you know what they say- different strokes for different folks. These shows all fall under the reality category. Albeit a slightly shameful confessional, I speak da truf. My favorite "self-esteem boosting" shows include Hoarders, Intervention and 16 and Pregnant. So what I have dishes resembling the Leaning Tower of Pisa piling up in the sink and dog toys littering the apartment like landmines? At least I don't store paper products in my shower stall and sleep behind my home because my bedroom is inaccessible. Who cares that I am not living out my fantasy career and buying my dream home? I'm not shooting up before dawn and hooking at gas stations to afford my habits. Compared to a teen preggo, I feel as accomplished as Oprah Winfrey. Beginning to see the self-love that dodgy reality TV shows can bring? I may be onto something.

Doctor, Doctor, Gimmie the News, I've got a Bad Case of Loving You

2010-05-13T15:07:00.016-04:00

Today marked my second trip to the doctor in the last 3 days. At the beginning of the week, I had a majorly sore throat but was just a tad raspy. My boss called this my "sultry voice" and said it would likely benefit us getting client meetings. I think he was finding great entertainment in my phone-sex-operator tone. To be honest, it wasn't bothering me too terribly.

This morning, I woke up gasping for air. I panicked. I could not get any air into my lungs. Once I swished with super hot water and salt, I was able to breathe again, although uncomfortably. Swallowing was impossible, so I had to spit in a cup. Very attractive. I may as well have a pocket of Skoal dip to go along with my new habit.

This afternoon at the doctor was quite interesting. My throat is almost swollen shut so she gave me huge amounts of Prednisone and told me to sleep sitting up. For.the.next.five.days. I'll be making a nest in the bathroom tub. I'm going to make it as homey as possible. I may even put Henry in there with me. I wonder if I can get DirecTV in my bathroom. If so, I'm thinking LMN, maybe some cookies in the bathtub and definitely a nightlight. Vino if the Prednisone permits. Please let that mental image set in. She also said to keep a straw nearby to facilitate breathing in the event that I wake up to a closed throat again. This was an excellent excuse for me to go to McDonalds- hey, she said I needed a straw! I pray that I don't need to perform a self tracheotomy. Perhaps I should be looking up how-to guides. She also said to call 911. My fingers haven't dialed those numbers since an elementary school dare. I'm ready for these 'roids to kick in.

Hair Vacay

2010-05-07T09:29:00.012-04:00

Tomorrow is the day- the day I say farewell to roughly 8 inches of hair. Knowing I'll essentially be losing my entire ponytail (I just threw up a little) I decided I'd like to donate my hair to Locks of Love. Alas, this was not to be. They do not accept highlighted hair. And err, for those of you who thought this hurr was au naturale, surprise.

I was overall pretty disappointed to know that I couldn't do anything cool with the hair I'm going to lose (threw up again) except have it be swept into a trashcan, thrown into a dumpster and inevitably picked up by a bird searching for nesting components. And then this morning, divine intervention.

Hanes is donating hundreds of thousands of pantyhose to be filled with human hair and put in the Gulf of Mexico to absorb the oil from the massive spill. Atlanta salons are accepting hair donations, inclusive of highlighted, over-blow dried, flat ironed hair. Moral of the story: my hair will be going to the Gulf of Mexico this weekend. I will be in Spartanburg.

Bird at Large

2010-05-06T10:04:00.010-04:00

There's trouble in paradise. Making the news this week is a crazy bird in West Palm Beach, FL who has now reportedly attacked an excess of 12 residents. West Palm citizens claim that are now afraid to walk their dogs for fear that the bird will be prowling. There has been so much bird buzz around the beach retirement communities that a composite sketch of the attack bird has been made (left). Alfred Hitchcock just rolled over in his grave.

Funny Story, True Story

2010-05-05T17:26:00.020-04:00

My mom is currently driving around in a recalled vehicle. Yes, that's right. She drives a 2003 Toyota Sequoia which has been publicly recalled due to the now infamous "acceleration issue". My mom has actually experienced this exact acceleration issue in her Sequoia. Said SUV attempted to launch itself forward at excessive speeds off of I-85 in Atlanta on the way to our annual family beach trip. They were coincidently on the way to my office to pick me up and head to Florida. Because the breaks were rendered ineffective during this acceleration issue, my dad (driver) ran every red light from the highway exit to my office building and successfully nailed the massive metal sign in my parking deck. How he did not get a ticket going 70 mph through downtown Atlanta eludes me. To my family, this car mishap was hysterical as it continued to happen ONLY in Atlanta. This has now happened 4 times in Atlanta alone. Using this logic, my mom will NOT drive her car to Atlanta. This is much more sensible than taking it to the dealership. She and my dad have to swap cars for her to visit me. The great white shark (my dad's car) seems to have a much more pleasant reaction to the city of Atlanta.

When I first got wind that her Sequoia was one of the Toyota models being recalled, I immediately panicked and called my mom. Apparently she had already called Toyota of Charlotte and the gentlemen who answered the phone rudely told her that her car was fine and was not a recalled model despite the public announcement. Why she listened to this imbecile rather than to national news, I'm not sure, but regardless, the recalled Sequoia is still roaming the streets of Charlotte. Innocent bystanders, beware.

We all Scream for Ice Cream

2010-05-05T13:40:00.009-04:00

How am I just now finding out about the Cadbury challenge?

CadburyIcecreamland — April 28, 2010 — Every year Cadbury Icecreamland surpass themselves in providing unique and thrilling environments for their lolly-licking patrons and aficionados. Their latest jape is to challenge fans to eat a Cadbury Flake 99 ice cream upside-down on a roller coaster at speeds of over 40mph and pulling over 3Gs - and then repeat the same feat going backwards whilst being splattered in a veritable blizzard of Cadbury ice cream. Gaze on in breathless amazement as our indefatigable fans rise to the perilous challenge of the ultimate white-out-knuckle ride. Buckle up boys and girls and get your wet wipes ready...things are about to get very messy.

This may be Joe's vision of heaven. This is obviously the brain child of an adrenaline junkie and an ice cream connoisseur. Joe just happens to be both. I have a feeling we'll be making the trip for the Cadbury challenge 2011.

Cyn Vin

2010-05-04T11:08:00.009-04:00

I am an unabashed shopaholic. I've tried to put my addition in check since July 18th, 2009 now that I have to share a bank account with this husband guy and somehow justify my purchases. This is however, becoming increasingly more difficult now that spring is upon us. I desperately want a new pair of wedges and I think God knows this, because look what I found today. Cynthia Vincent, who reserves a spot in my top 5 fave designers, did a shoe line for Target. I've died and gone to heaven. I must.have.the.brown.wedges. And for $29.99, I think we can swing it.

Note: Before you get all jazzed and try to order these shoes, they are SOLD OUT. Everywhere. Evidently Target did not have the foresight to abundantly stock these shoes. No big deal, Target. She's just an internationally known designer whose cheapest shoe will run you over $300. I'm sure a $29.99 Cynthia Vincent shoe won't be immensely popular.

LaGrotta

2010-05-04T10:39:00.009-04:00

Yesterday was Joe's last day of his first semester at GSU. This obviously calls for celebration. Since we rarely go out to a "nice" dinner (something that does not include Tin Lizzy's, Elwoods Pizza or Fox Bros. BBQ) we decided to splurge. It also took quite a bit of research to determine which of these "nice" dining establishments we should choose. My boss has been raving about the Stimulus Menu at LaGrotta, which is evidently the best Italian in Atlanta, according to him. Since he eats out everysinglmeal and is um, not skinny, I trust his opinion on this topic.

Joe and I invited Matt G., who never turns down an expensive meal, and off to LaGrotta we went. Joe and I initially drove past the restaurant since Joe was reading GoogleMaps upside down- he's not exactly savvy with directions. Once we found the parking lot, we still struggled to find the actual restaurant. By the time we got there I felt like we were standing in a bank vault. Panning the restaurant's diners, it didn't take long for me to determine we were the youngest 3 customers by a solid 20 year margin. We proceeded to gorge ourselves with wine, calamari, rabbit, salmon and of course, tiramisu.

Our server shared with us that he was LaGrotta's "newby" boasting 15 years of service. The server knew and named practically everyone in the packed-out restaurant. Evidently nothing ever changes, including the people. He was also the only non-Italian server. In fact, most of the diners could speak Italian. I concluded that we most certainly needed Mafia ties to fit in at this restaurant. The more I thought about it, the more I realized we could be sitting in a restaurant full of people spending blood money, arranging "hits", eluding prison time- and nothing excites me more than crime. I'm feeling a repeat visit in the near future.

Joemama

2010-05-04T10:21:00.010-04:00

Joe was bachelor party bound this weekend thus counting him out of painting the armoire in our bedroom. He was heavy-hearted about choosing Tybee Island with his 9 best friends over painting a piece of furniture whose existence he loathes, I assure you.

Joe's mom knew I was hoping to paint this monster and offered to make the 8 hour round trip car ride to help me! This was voluntary; hard to believe I know. After unassembling a 400 lb. piece of furniture, painting part-by-part with 2 coats of Vintage Teal and then re-assembling the entire thing, I could not be more thrilled with the final product. Yesterday I woke up and just stared at its lovely self.

Next mission: paint the matching bookshelf like this little lady:

The Hills are Alive

2010-04-28T11:23:00.020-04:00

I promised myself that I would stop watching The Hills after Lauren Conrad got a life and left the show; reason being I figured the show would suffer a slow and painful death. There was a Hills marathon this past weekend. It was cold and rainy. I broke down and watched everysingleepisode. Obviously I take self-promises with a grain of salt. Or in this case, an entire shaker. The show is just as amazing post-Conrad and it did not fail to suck me in again, no surprise. Reality TV is my Achilles heel.

The final season premiered last night. Heidi Montag's new face also premiered last night. I feel certain that the American female population (most of whom likely watched last night's saga) slept with the light on. For someone who aspires to look like Barbie and now describes herself as a "Norwegian Goddess", she's as terrifying as Freddie Crougar.

Her DDD boobs give new meaning to the show's title. I was both saddened and disgusted by Heidi Montag, version 3.0. Evidently, so was Newsweek, who wrote a brutal article citing 11 deeply disturbing things about the reality star's surgical transformation. My personal favorites from this list are below:

It's a Miracle She Snagged a Man With Her Real Tits "Honestly, the way I got Spencer, I had no surgery," she tells People. "It was my inner beauty that he loved." Nice sentiment. Sadly, her case that you don't need silicone to snag a man is undermined by a pre-surgery video on People's site, in which Montag signs off this way: "This is Heidi Montag going in. When I wake up, I'll be Mrs. Pratt: new last name, new face."

'Sexy Ears' Is Sure to Become a New Catchphrase What, you wonder, makes an ear "sexy"? According to Heidi—whose ears have now been surgically "pinned back"—it was mortifying to see herself on TV with flaps sticking out "like Dumbo." "For the first time," she says, speaking about her post-op body, "I have sexy ears! I can wear updos, instead of hiding them behind my hair." We're waiting for those glorious updos.

She Calls Herself a 'Cinderella Story' Starring on The Hills with Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge made Montag the "frumpy sidekick," she says: the wealth and beauty of her costars made her feel ugly and poor by comparison, and she claims her season-one wardrobe was often made up of Conrad's castoffs. The horror: a then-19-year-old forced to borrow a dress from her roommate before a night of clubbing. It's enough to make you want to run, not walk, to the nearest clinic to have your chin sandpapered off.

Tooth Envy

2010-04-26T15:02:00.023-04:00

I live to go to the dentist. So much, in fact, that if our insurance coverage would allow me to go on a weekly basis, Alpine Dental Group would have to barricade their doors and windows to keep me and my pearly whites out. Joe cannot understand my dental obsession in the least.

When I got home from my dentist appointment this morning, Joe didn't say a word about it. I thought this odd since he has such a paralyzing fear of anything tooth-related. I figured he would be curious as to how my appointment went. I marched into the den and happily reported, "Dr. Peters says my teeth and gums are in perfect health and complimented me on my impeccable hygiene". Of course I was exceedingly boastful as I've somehow skated through 23 years of uninhibited chocolate eating cavity-free. Joe grumbled how unfair this is as we practice the same teeth-cleaning routines.

My teeth may be white, but Joe is green with envy, tooth envy.

Modern Day Lassie

2010-04-23T11:18:00.008-04:00

ANCHORAGE, Alaska—

A dashcam video from the Alaska State Troopers shows a dog leading them through winding back roads to a blazing fire at his owners' property.

The video on the troopers' website shows the German shepherd running to meet the trooper's vehicle, then racing to the house on Caswell Lakes on April 4.

Troopers say Buddy and his owner, 23-year-old Ben Heinrichs, were in the family workshop when a heater ignited chemicals. Heinrichs told Buddy: "We need to get help."

The dog eventually found a trooper responding to a call about the fire.

The State Troopers are presenting a special award Friday to the dog. Buddy will receive an engraved silver-plated dog bowl in Anchorage.

I first heard the tail (pun intended) of this dog's heroism this morning on the radio. After I picked my jaw up from off the ground, I thought about how Joe and I would fare in the same scenario. If our place were on fire, hypothetically started by a potholder on the eye of the stove, and I looked at Henry and Ronin and said, "we need to get help!" I can ensure we would have experienced far different results than this Alaskan.

Ronin would probably snatch his food bag, the blanket from our bed and the Christmas ornament with his photo in the center and run for dear life. Henry would likely be so plagued by his anxiety he would grab his bottle of Prozac and throw himself off of our 4th floor balcony. Either way, Joe and I would be roasting marshmellows in our burning home, sans canine assistance.

Ignorance is Bliss

2010-04-21T12:49:00.016-04:00

My morning phone call with my mom this morning was a little different than the usual. Typically when asked what she's up to, my mom replies with the morning mundane- waking up, putting on makeup, eating breakfast and the like. This morning her response was out of the ordinary, "checking out the sex offenders in our neighborhood". Whaaaa?

Evidently one of her girlfriends sent her a link via the NC Justice Dept that allows you to see the number of registered sex offenders within a 5 mile radius of your home as well as their proximity to you. I asked her if she was really ready to see a bunch of little red dots, indicative of a sex offender, pop up all around her house. We were both waiting silently on the phone for the link to reveal that our long-time neighbor or the guy who picks up the newspaper when they're out of town are, in fact, registered sex offenders. Thankfully my mother is a nightmare with technology, think Wilma Flintstone. I, Jane Jetson, tried to walk her through her tech issues and then thought perhaps it was divine intervention that she couldn't get the link to work.

We determined that if she'd seen too many red dots she would obviously have to put the house on the market, then my dad would be furious and the chain of reactions from there would be disastrous. We then determined that I am definitely not the type of person who could handle having access to this type of information. As my mom kindly pointed out, I am scared of absolutely everything. I watch enough Law and Order SVU, Dateline and 48 hours to come up with my own paranoid delusions without the assistance of a sex offender tracking website.

Grape Escape

2010-04-20T13:32:00.005-04:00

Girls' weekend: "Uncork the Fun" Wine Festival in Cary

This trip to Raleigh went much better than the last (recall: braved ice storm in the Civic). I picked my mom up in Charlotte and we treked to Jackie's for the annual wine festival. I love wine, I love festivals and I love Jackie. It was like the college days, the old roommates back together, consuming unlimited amounts of wine- oh yeah, but our moms were there.

A Tale of Two Pieces

2010-04-20T12:04:00.015-04:00

Yes, that's right- bikinis. I ordered two of them from Victoria Secret and was waiting on pins and needles for their arrival. Now if you could only custom order the model's body along with the suit VS would really hit the jackpot. Yes, I'd like the twist bandeau top in grass green with Heidi Klum's boobs and the matching low-rise bottom with Marisa Miller's hips/thighs/butt. As I ripped apart the packaging like a footie-pajama-wearing kid on Christmas morning, I realized something was amiss. I received two pairs of bottoms rather than a top and a bottom. With clear packaging, I'm not sure how this happened.

Needless to say, I was furious. Pool season is upon us and I'm not sure that I can squeeze the residual pounds I "found" this winter into the bathing suits I wore last summer. A friend suggested that when I call VS to correct the error, I bemoan my fate and spin a tale of some dream vacation I'd planned where I'll now have to travel suitless. Once the guilt trip was in full effect, then I'd go for the jugular- ask for a gift card as restitution. I had a plan and I was sticking to it.

Well, I called this morning while sitting parked on I-85 and the representative answering the phone was sweet as pie. She told me she was so sorry for the error and that she was happy to send me top to go with my pair of bottoms. Here I interject with my "vacation story" and whine about the mix-up. Then she asks "oh, where are you traveling to?"...this I did not anticipate. I am not quick on my feet, nor am I smooth, savvy nor clever. I stumble for a second (verbally) and then blurt out, "Cabo!" She says, "well I am certainly happy to overnight your top to your vacation destination if you'd like to provide me with an address". I can literally feel my plan unraveling. I am beginning to think my panic is palpable- "ma'm, an address?". I am a horrible, horrible liar. I then say I'd prefer to have her send it to my home address. This is where things really start to fall apart.

VS Rep: "Ma'm, who will pick up the package if you're in Mexico?"

Me: "My husband"

VS Rep: "He's not going with you?"

Me: "No. I mean yes. I mean, my leasing office will sign for it" (in my head: she does not care if he is going with me or not, she just needs to know someone can sign for the package, why am I now defending myself in fear that a total stranger may think I'm going to Cabo alone??)

VS Rep: "So, you want me to overnight the top even though you will already have left on your trip so that your leasing office will get it rather than sending it to your address in Cabo?"

Me: "Yes. I really trust the leasing office"

VS Rep: "What time are you leaving? I can have it there first thing in the morning"

Me: "I am leaving first thing in the morning"

VS Rep: "I guess I'll just send it to your leasing office then. Have a nice day, ma'm"

I hang up before I rat myself out any worse. Clearly I have lost any clout to pursue the gift card option. I have learned my lesson. I will never lie again. Especially to a complete stranger who will never know whether or not I'm lying. I obviously cannot handle this sort of pressure. Silver lining to this cloud? I'll have my bathing suit tomorrow.

Revamp Part 2

2010-04-14T11:04:00.006-04:00

I've been poking around here and there looking for cute inexpensive "art" for our room revamp. My definition of art is much looser than most. Printed words on paper, that'll do. I stumbled upon these lovely prints from the keep calm gallery. I'm in love. And I wish my birthday was sooner. Looks like I might have to cash in some rainy day pennies, or start saving some.

Prozac Diaries: Day 30

2010-04-13T15:07:00.012-04:00

I am happy to report that we are finally seeing some progress in Henry's erratic behavior. He isn't as spastic, he listens better and he needs alone time. Henry's need for alone time is actually quite amusing. Generally, Joe, Roney and I will be hanging out in the den and then notice Henry's absence from the room. His absence from the room is very obvious as he makes his presence known at all times. He's typically found right in the center of our bed or the guest bed swaddled in blankets like baby Jesus in the manger. We've coined this "Henny time"...like "Hammer time" and yes, I've devised a song to the same tune.

He still howls like a coyote and he still has anxiety. I don't want to up his meds, but I'm also scared to put him into a training class. This seems like the logical next step. One of my co-workers actually suggested boot camp. Evidently she saw miraculous results; something to ponder. I am currently on the phone refilling his prescription for this month whispering as quietly as possible. If one of my co-workers hears me requesting a Prozac script, I fear the repercussions of the office gossip that is sure to spread like wildfire. I just checked the Dog Whisperer's website. Evidently Cesar is only accepting submissions in the Southern California area. Well pack your bags fellas, off to the Golden State we go!

To Chop or Not to Chop?

2010-04-12T11:14:00.008-04:00

That is the question. I am having the same cut-all-my-hair-off itch that I got at the end of last summer, only last year's cut ended in disaster. I'm being exceedingly dramatic. But really, I hated my hair; it was way too layered. I want a short, blunt cut. Possibly one with a little side bang action. I'm terrified I can't pull it off. Last night I determined that I've basically had the same haircut my entire life- how depressing.

The haircuts pictured are my faves. I'm considering watching the "makeover" episode of this season's America's Next Top Model until I muster up the courage to chop my hair off. Does this qualify as systematic desensitization?

People of Wal-Mart

2010-04-09T16:58:00.005-04:00

People of Wal-Mart, how I love thee. This website is a satirical take on the extrordinary, for lack of a better word, characters that shop at Wal-Mart stores nationwide. Each picture posted has a witty caption and allows for viewer commentary.

Little do the creators of peopleofwalmart.com know, I have been taking candid pictures of people in public places for years. I've actually developed this into quite an art form. They just knew how to market their idea. Something this marketing major didn't think to do. I have cell phones packed with pictures of individuals from the underbelly of society. The hideous, the freaky, the obnoxious, you name it, I've got it.

I want to piggyback on this website's success with my own version. The best photos I've nabbed have been while riding Marta. That being said, I'd like to develop a little website of my own: peopleofpublictranspo.com. Can you even imagine the possibilities? Think of all the photo opps just waiting to be had.

The Dreaded April 15th

2010-04-09T14:53:00.019-04:00

I know, everyone hates doing their taxes. So much, in fact, that the majority of the taxable (i.e. non-homeless) population pays someone else to do this on their behalf. Not me. No way, Jose. I have always done my taxes myself via Turbo Tax despite my dad's (licensed CPA) insistence that the software is horrible. Well I didn't think Turbo Tax was too shabby when they were doling out the refunds and I was skipping all the way to the bank- code word for Anthropologie.

This being our first married year, we are filing jointly. After all, that's part of the benefit of being married, right? Ample returns. Joe- this is why I married you, to add you to my list of itemized deductions, duh. Despite my years of finance/accounting courses in college I decided to let Joe do the taxes. After all he is a bit of a math whiz and I loathe doing taxes so why not? Well I'll tell you why not. He used trusty Turbo Tax and our jointly filed refund was just over $200. I would have launched the new laptop right off of our 4th floor balcony except for that we have only one payment left on it and I'd hate to be paying for something that was shattered into confetti-sized pieces. Back on topic- I was ready to march on Washington with this joke of a tax return.

Temper tantrum, thrown. Phone call to dad, (read: CPA) made.

My dad has been working on our taxes for days- with his fancy schmancy software. He now works over 70 hours per week so of course I asked him to do our taxes. He has to find some source of pleasure in his spare time! I get a phone call last night and the caller ID flashes "Mom". I know this is not so. She never calls at that time; I knew it had to be dad trying to pull a fast one. I answer, "Hi, Dad"...he proceeds to grill me on details regarding Joe's education. I answer all of his questions until he throws this curve ball, "in what semesters of 2009 did Joe attend school"? For anyone who knows me at all, my memory is about as reliable as Fox news. I froze. My dad then commences the debate. He reminds me that he talked to Joe about an accounting test last year. Dad: 1 Allison: 0. I've got nothing. I cannot even recall whether or not my husband was enrolled in school last year; evidence that I likely have early onset Alzheimers.

I called my mom this morning for our usual chat. Somehow we got back onto the subject of Joe, school and 2009. I confessed the humiliation caused by goldfish memory. I can remember 5 years ago better than I can remember yesteday. Using this logic, I could provide an answer to my dad's question in 2014. Hence the April 15th deadline would prove problematic. I finally broke down and texted Joe the dreaded question. What sort of wife does not know this information? Well I'll answer that. The kind of wife who is married to the kind of husband who cannot remember if he himself was enrolled in school in 2009.

Transcript, checked. Taxes, filed.

We will now be receiving a return roughly 10 times that of the Turbo Tax deduced refund. Dad: I swear I will never use Turbo Tax again. I do not, however, swear that you will not have to do our taxes again next year. I will pay you in Girl Scout cookies.

Revamp

2010-04-06T14:53:00.009-04:00

I'm attempting to revamp our bedroom one piece at a time. As of this weekend, the tufted headboard is finished! Now onto project #2: antiqued armoire. I disdain honey oak furniture. It just so happens that I have two pieces of it; one armoire and one bookshelf. Both are in great condition and have classic lines but I can hardly stand to look at the light wood color. I want to paint the armoire in our bedroom first since I have to see this eyesore most often. I cannot decide on a color, but am thinking something quirky like red or teal/green/blue.

I'm going to attempt this in a couple of weeks and need a LOT of prep time. a) I have no idea how to antique a piece of furniture b) I have no idea what paint I'm supposed to buy c) I cannot commit to a color d) I am not good at DIY e) I can only move the armoire half an inch at a time by my lonesome. This is going to be interesting.

The picture above is what I'm using for a motivation/inspiration.

Intimidated, Confused and Undecided,

Allison

Do you charge extra for corpses?

2010-04-06T11:20:00.007-04:00

Two women were arrested "on suspicion on failing to give notification of death" in the Liverpool Airport yesterday for sneaking the corpse of a dead relative onto a plane. Their M.O. was actually not sneaky in the slightest. The 91 year old deceased male was dressed, disguised with sunglasses and pushed through the busy London airport in a wheelchair. Rather than duffel-bagging the body, the two chose to parade him through the airport crowds under the guise of a handicapped, albeit alive, traveler. Ladies, bags fly free on Southwest.

What CNN failed to mention with regard to this headliner, was the means of discovery. What tipped someone off that this man was in fact deceased? Did he fall forward out of the chair into a crumpled heap? Did someone notice his err, lack of movement? Did the shades fall off and reveal the pulse-less traveler? Did the airline attendant ask for his boarding pass that he obviously could not provide? Moreover, IF the ladies had made it onto the plane, what was their game plan? Did they buy him a ticket? Were they collecting the frequent flyer miles he earned? What was the game plan once they reached their destination? Were they going to tote him along on their globe-trotting like a souvenir?

Perhaps most disturbing of all, why didn't they report his death and bury him like a normal family? Maybe they were bored housewives looking for adventure.

There's no Crying in Basketball

2010-04-06T09:26:00.004-04:00

Last night, Joe and I sat on the edges of the sofa, holding our breath, eyes glued to the TV watching Duke sail to another National Championship victory. Before I go any further, I will clarify: I hate Duke. BUT (and this is a big but) Joe had them winning in his bracket. If you'll recall from my earlier post, my bracket sunk like the Titanic. In order for us to place, Duke had to win AND (another critical conjunction) the final score must be under 147. Check and check.

$268 fat ones in our pocket is certainly enough to make me cheer for the Blue Devils for one night and one night only. I feel like I've committed treason. Certainly I will need a hot shower to wash this hypocrisy off of me. I felt like a Jew rooting for Nazi Germany. Even during the game we would accidentally find ourselves cheering for Butler. I love an underdog and especially these boys with their big hearts and their baby-faced coach. I hated myself for cheering for Duke as the camera panned to the Bulldogs returning to the locker room with tear-streaked faces. We all love a Cinderella story, but we love the spoils of victory more.

Today, I hate Duke once again. It feels good to say it. WOLFPACK- the NIT is more fun anyway.

Summer Summer Summertime

2010-04-05T15:20:00.010-04:00

Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but with the weather in the mid to high 80s in Atlanta and pool-goers already sporting hard-earned tan lines, I am ready to roll down my sunroof and put Will Smith's "Summertime" on full blast with my stunna shades on- oh, and pray I don't see anyone I know while doing this.

summer, summer, summertime time to sit back and unwind here it is the groove slightly transformed
just a bit of a break from the norm

just a little somethin' to break the monotony

of all that hardcore dance that has gotten to be

a little bit out of control it's cool to dance

but what about the groove that soothes that moves romance

give me a soft subtle mix
and if ain't broke then don't try to fix it
and think of the summers of the past
adjust the base and let the alpine blast

pop in my CD and let me run a rhyme

and put your car on cruise and lay back cause this is summertime

Summertime also means time to buy dresses. And yes, I will think of any excuse to shop (bad day at work, good day at work, it's the weekend, it's a Tuesday, the seasons are changing, I don't want to do laundry, it's raining, there's a sale, there's nothing good on TV, Henry ate it, I don't get a 3 month summer break anymore....etc.) The two dresses pictured are on my "I want it yesterday" list.

Easta

2010-04-05T11:31:00.009-04:00

I have put more miles on the poor Civic in the last 2 months than I have in the last 2 years, poor girl. I think I can now confidently name every fast food restaurant and gas station on each exit of I-85 North. FYI this includes far too many Huddle Houses. Does it get worse than off-brand Waffle House?? Pardon the tangent. This past weekend I spent traveling to Spartanburg, SC for Laurie's bridal shower and then on to Charlotte for Easter and all 3 days of my mom's birthday.

Laurie's bridal shower was adorable. My Aunt Cathy hosted the drop-in brunch at her gorgeous home and everyone made a dish. Side note: I made the blueberry coffee cake pictured. In an unprescedented cooking first, my dish actually turned out like the picture. The brunch spread included 2 cakes; obviously brunch items by our family's standards. My mom claimed the bridal shower brunch was also part of her birthday weekend- surprise, surprise. Once we'd finished up the lavish gift-giving, all 15 of us went to Capri's Italian Restaurant for my mom's birthday dinner (part 2). I'm pretty sure my lasagna was 2,000 calories but hey, each entree came with wine so Garfield asked no questions.

Sunday was Easter. My mom, dad and I went to church together and my dad bought corsages for my mom and I to wear to church. He was as proud as a peacock. It was so fun to get all decked out in a pastel patterned sort of fashion and take our picture on the side of the house with Jack doing some bizarre attention-seeking action in every single picture. We haven't done this since I was in the 7th grade. Clearly, the ball was dropped on this "tradition".

My mom made an Easter lunch that could have easily fed the Bobcats Reminder: there were 4 of us. Needless to say my fridge is teeming with leftovers. She then pulled out a cheesecake and we proceeded to celebrate her birthday (part 3). She made her own cake; proof that she planned this marathon birthday. I bought her a gorgeous Crate and Barrel planter. My only request was that Nathan get her a tiny household tree to go in it. I should have anticipated complications. My only requests: this needs to be very small, do not buy an Oak tree or Magnolia or something of that nature. My mom is now a proud owner of a Tulip Magnolia tree which she now has to plant in the yard because its 200x the size of the planter.

3 hours after the eat-a-thon at my mom's, I repeated the same indulgence at the Baucom's house. It was an Easter Feast-er.

Bag it Up

2010-03-31T10:21:00.006-04:00

I'm not much of a rap listener. I'm more of an indie/folk rock kind of gal. But as of late, I've been listening to more rap because the rap station I found in Atlanta (I'm sure there are hundreds) plays mostly "pop rap" and I love me some pop. I've since determined that I have no knowledge of urban slang. Literally, none. Joe thinks it's hilarious when I ask him what slang phrases translate to in proper English.

My favorite phrase is "grocery bagged". This seems to be a trend in newer rap songs. Loose translation: verb meaning you've made it official with your significant other. I think this is a riot. I want to incorporate it into my lingo which is very much preppy-white-girl-who-lives-in-Buckhead. Evidently, other people must be curious about the aforementioned phrase. I've found a fan page on Facebook dedicated to decoding the meaning behind "grocery bagging".

Commentary from FB:

Eddie Martinez
he says i got her nigga "grocery bag" as in like he gots her in the bag
February 3 at 7:47pm

Andre Sanders Jr.
I think he means he's going to smother the dude with a grocery bag.
March 19 at 9:17pm

DeAndre Thomas
Ok, when you're at the grocery store and you're shopping... your selected items are not really yours until you pay for them and they are "bagged". Once the items are put into a "grocery bag" ... it's at that point they are 100% and officially yours. This is what he means when he says that.
March 23 at 3:44pm

The next time a prowler hits on me in a bar I'm going to say, "sorry pal, I'm grocery bagged".

Found in the Craigslist "Free" Section

2010-03-30T17:46:00.010-04:00

I thoroughly enjoy perusing the Craigslist "free" section when I have a free (pun intended) moment. Most often, there are extremely bizarre items being given away in the Atlanta area. Today was no exception.

For anyone who enjoyed the film "Mommy Dearest" as much as I did, the wire hangers post is quite amusing. Perhaps Christina (you'd have to have seen the movie) posted this. "No more wire hangers, EVER!!!"

The Twizzlers, come on. Who is going to drive all the way out to God-forsaken Conyers for the "black kind".

Vintage bras? I had no idea there were such avid collectors. Evidently someone out there with a massive rack (reference the ad's sizing) has been holding these in the original packaging for 30 years. Perhaps I should track this individual down. Whomever posted this sounds like a potential candidate for "Hoarders". If you do not watch this show, for shame. Turn on A&E. I'll blow your mind.

I'm mad at you today, Mr. President

2010-03-30T14:39:00.006-04:00

Side note: the title played in my head to the tune of "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" sung by Marilyn Monroe. Only I'm mad so I was annoyed at my own thinking.

On an earlier post, I'd shared some of my feelings regarding the controversial healthcare bill that was just passed.

Today, I am sincerely pissed/saddened. This is my political temper tantrum.

My best friend was laid off this morning in lieu of the bill's implications for corporations. Unfortunately, the new healthcare costs were too much for her company to fund without resorting to layoffs. Today, she lost her career and sole source of income to fund healthcare for the general population. The bill isn't punishing corporate giants as many believe, it's also punishing small corporations and their employees alike. Sure, AT&T is the headliner for those mega-millions corporations that are being affected, but the bill hits much closer to home for small companies.

Barack, I want to support you, but please tell me how this is benefiting the middle class when we are the first employees to be forced out the door to fund socialized healthcare?

3rd Rock on the Left

2010-03-29T17:08:00.005-04:00

Evidently, this is my new residence. I normally pride myself (okay, maybe not pride) on my celeb knowledge. I must have my head stuck in the ground to miss the following:

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush breakup: I am so sad. a) they are a gorgeous couple b) there is no better couples' nickname than "the Bush and the Tush". Good luck topping that, Reg.

Jesse James cheats on Sandra Bullock: seriously?? He is a tatted-up nobody. She wins academy awards. I looked up these homewrecking mistresses and nearly lost my lunch. Most of them look more like misters.

Ricky Martin came out of the closet: was he ever in it?

Sonny and Cher's daughter is now a son, officially: Chastity is now Chaz. The name choice leaves me feeling that bad taste is obviously genetic.

The Suck Zone

2010-03-29T14:59:00.005-04:00

"The Suck Zone". It's the point basically when the twister... sucks you up. That's not the technical term for it, obviously. - Twister, 1996

My 4 hour drive home on I-85 yesterday put my anxiety level at a 10, obviously, on a 1 to 10 scale. Being from North Carolina, I have very little general knowledge of tornadoes. It just so happens that there were tornadoes spotted from Charlotte to Greenville. It also just so happens that I was driving along the highway from Charlotte to Greenville. When the emergency broadcast came over the airwaves, and for once was NOT a test, and instructed drivers to "abandon their vehicles" I ignored this and drove faster (refer to little general knowledge of tornadoes). I figured if the spotted tornado was moving at 45 mph it would make the most sense for me to move at 90 mph. After all, if I abandoned my vehicle, where would I go? Would I run to the side of the road, cling to a tree and wait to be struck by lightning and/or sucked into a funnel cloud? Evidently logic escaped me and as my boss kindly pointed out, I could have just gone to a gas station and stayed inside. That would have made too much sense. Instead I decided to weather (pun intended) the disaster. In this moment, I felt like I was back at Universal Studios participating in the simulation of an actual tornado- only I couldn't hide behind my dad.

Footage.

Charlottafun

2010-03-29T14:27:00.010-04:00

I spent this past weekend in Charlotte visiting the fam. Despite the effects of sleep deprivation I am fighting today, it was a blast! As I didn't get into town until 11 PM on Friday, I stayed at Torie's, 5th grade sleepover style. I should have dug my Disney princess sleeping back out of my parents' attic for the occasion. I think it would adequately fit since I've not grown since the 7th grade. Err, I mean, I didn't have that sleeping bag in the 7th grade... Subject change. We stayed up chatting until after 3 AM per usual and then made ourselves completely paranoid that every noise on the TV was in fact someone in her townhouse on a murderous spree. I don't know what sort of burglar/murderer-on-the-loose would choose 2 broke outta college girls whose most prized posessions are our framed diplomas and who both likely have 911 as #1 on speed dial to target, but we were nevertheless terrified.

My mom and I were on a mission. A project mission, specifically. I am obsessed with decorating, re-decorating, and then decorating some more. My mom is obsessed with creating work for herself. Hence this project.

The author of this lovely blog should most certainly remove the word "simple" from the name of the project. This can be demeaning to someone who finds it extremely difficult. Glued hair, hammered fingers, and 8 covered buttons later, my mom and I were ready to scream. Oh, and eliminate the word "headboard" from the English language. We finished all of the woodwork with the original headboard + plywood piece and covered it with the foam and batting pretty easily. The buttons were the straw that broke these preverbial camels' backs. My mom and I decided to scrap that plan and use a machine that does this (my mom has some crafty friends). Why we did not think of this before we spent 2+ hours painstakingly covering and re-covering buttons, I'm not sure.

The project will be completed as of next weekend, with machine-covered buttons.

Bracketology

2010-03-26T10:17:00.004-04:00

I admittedly have very little knowledge of sports. Further, I have very little knowledge of college basketball outside of North Carolina. They say you don't have to know the game to make a bracket. I was living proof of this theory last March Madness placing 4th out of hundreds in the pool.

This year, no such luck. My bracket could not be more of a joke. Joe took one look at it and told me he knew I'd only picked Villanova to go to the Final Four because I'm obsessed with the university's name. C'est vrai. He knows me too well.

This brings me to my next point: reasons I love the name/word Villanova.

1) it sounds like some delicious concoction you could order from Starbucks ("yes, I'd like to order a venti Villanova with a shot of espresso topped with whipped cream")
2) it could also be be the name of an other-worldly galaxy ("we believe the extraterrestrial to be from the galaxy, Villanova" or "someday you will find me, trapped beneath a landslide, in a champagne Villanova in the sky")
3) it sounds like a fashion house ("the Villanova haute couture line for Fall 2010 flaunts the feminine silhouette")

Maybe Villanova offers distance ed MBA courses. I would love to have that word on my resume. I think this post now qualifies me as certifiably insane.

Prozac Diaries: Day 10

2010-03-25T16:31:00.006-04:00

Needless to say, I am watching Henry like a hawk these days. I'm not sure exactly what is supposed to be changing with the Prozac regimen, but at the rate I'm monitoring him, I'll notice if he blinks twice instead of once when I ask him if he wants to go outside.

The vet says, "oh trust me, you'll notice a difference". And I'm that annoying person who pleads, "but wait, are you sure? What if I don't notice? Shouldn't there be some sort of checklist for things I should notice?!" I am waiting for her to write out a Prozac script for me, too (we are so Kramer and Smuckers).

Henny Lu is supposed to be on the meds for 3 weeks before we notice anything, but I may as well share some experiences...

I have been taking the pups to Lenox Park every day after work. Henry has actually started to befriend dogs. I am wondering if this is a Prozac fix. Henry has no affection for dogs, as he does not believe himself to be their kind.

Taking the dogs to the park solo is no easy task. I know this sounds quite dramatic, but it's true. Case in point: yesterday as we were crossing the bridge, I was watching Henry to make sure he was okay to approach the pack of dogs ahead. Then I turn and I see it. A massive dog, some sort of mangy herding breed, had mounted Ronin and had a twinkle in his eye. I screamed bloody murder, ripped the beast off of Ronin (who at this point was traumatized and imploring me to intervene) and threw a temper tantrum at the dog owner who was busy typing an email on his Blackberry. Now I know Ronin is a husky fella, but he didn't stand a chance next to this human-sized humper. I tried to get his mind off of the lude act that took place on the bridge and walked Ronin down to the pond to swim. Henry tagged along but gets anxiety around water (this is becoming a recurring theme, huh?). Walking back up the hill to head home, I notice Ronin by my side and quickly realize there is no tension on the other leash. Henry Houdini had somehow escaped and was panicking next to the pond. As I ran to pick him up, he ran towards me and then past me to a lab and his owner. My face lost all color. Much to my chagrin, Henry licked the lab and tried to play with him.

Please tell me this is some sort of progress.

Style-less

2010-03-24T15:59:00.005-04:00

The unemployment rate is reaching record highs of 9 and 10%. Millions in our nation have lost their jobs, their homes and sense of self. Although these climbing numbers break my heart, I do have one individual in particular that I'm nominating for immediate termination: the American Idol stylist, Miles Siggins. Pink slip, please!

Reform?

2010-03-24T09:58:00.005-04:00

OK, so not to get all political because that's really not me, buuuut I am having a hard time sorting out my feelings with regard to the new healthcare bill that just passed this week.

Pros:

- children can be covered under their parents until age 26
- coverage cannot be dropped or denied in lieu of a pre-existing condition
- coverage continues despite loss of employment
- preventative healthcare without a co-pay (100% covered)
- expansion of Medicaid coverage
- stories like this one

Cons:

- this feels like Socialism, a Robin Hood mentality in which those who have been financially successful are forced to pay for those who have not. I don't believe in robbing from only one pocket to create healthcare reform. Needless to say, this kills any incentive to reach the next tax bracket.
- individuals who STILL do not sign up for healthcare will be fined $695 per year (this seems to be an incentive and a punishment rolled into one). Americans who cannot afford the government mandated insurance likely cannot afford the fine.
- government healthcare is about as fabulous as government cheese
- congressional leadership is exempt from the provisions of the bill (what's good for them is NOT what's good for the general population)
- it is only a matter of time before premiums rise. There is no such thing as "free lunch"
- to me, this seems to feed into the entitlement complex of young America.

Overall, I'm concerned that the implications of this bill undermine American democracy. I do want to be in support of our nation's leaders but the passage of the healthcare reform bill makes me wary. Very wary.

It's Britney, B*tch

2010-03-24T09:48:00.006-04:00

A notorious on-again-off-again exerciser, I am on again. That's right, I'm back on the wagon. I'm walking around like the office like a tranny in her first set of pumps. My co-workers are likely a little thrown by my new Frankenstein -ish lack of mobility. Penny actually asked me if I had a limp.

No limp here; just feeling the strain on muscles I did not realize existed until this week. I decided to take matters into my own hands. That's right, Denise Austin. I am done with you and your video. The sound of your voice and your tangerine complexion and cheesy smile are too much to bear. I have incorporated some Denise Austin moves + pieces I remember from Billy Blanks Boot Camp + some routines from Step Aerobics 101 with Atilla the Hun (college req.) and formed my new workout plan. I am digging it. Why? Because I have set said workout to the tunes of the queen of pop, Britney, duh. At any point in the routine when I start to question my resolve and think I may actually keel over, Brit chimes in with one of her inspiring lyrics. My personal faves are "Piece of me" and "Gimmie More". With Britney, b*tch by my side, I think I may actually be a routine worker-outer.

2010-03-22T14:17:00.003-04:00

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
And babe I broke them all for you

Oh, because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
And I was made for you

-The Story, B. Carlile

Quite the Tuesday

2010-03-16T14:10:00.003-04:00

Today has been quite a strange day.

It started this morning when I accidently trampled a midget. Yes, I'm serious. I was on the Marta and evidently, so was the midget, well, to be PC, "little person". We must have stood up to get off of the train at the same stop and I mauled her. She was not in my line of sight, obviously. I felt horrible and my face was about 7 shades of red at this point. What do you say in this situation? I'm sorry, I didn't see you because my height exceeds yours by about 3 feet. Sorry I rammed into your shoulder with my thigh. I could not be more awkward if I tried.

Then at lunch, I'm just sitting there chatting it up with Heather per usual, and all of a sudden, horrible nausea hit me like a ton of bricks and I bolted to the bathroom. I didn't get sick, thankfully. I am now sitting at my desk with my head hovering around my trashcan attempting to work. I called my mom (yes, I'm 5) and she let me whine for awhile before blurting out, "what if you're that 1 in 1000 that gets pregnant on birth control?" I promptly hung up the phone.

Awesome Tuesday.

Prozac Diaries

2010-03-16T10:06:00.015-04:00

Ohhh, my sweet Henriesbutts. The little cowboy had a visit to the vet this weekend. The visit ended with us toting a crazed Doxle out of the vet (we've determined this to be Henry's breed...Dachshund/Beagle) as well as a prescription to Prozac.

Dr. Matthews diagnosed little Hen with high anxiety accompanied by OCD tendencies. Who'd have guessed?? Ironically, my best friend sent me an email with an attached article exploring OCD in dogs. FYI Henry has EVERY SINGLE trait listed in this excerpt...

Separation Anxiety is often a cause of OCD. OCD often manifests itself in dogs who are stressed, anxious, or bored, and can be a very maddening experience for the owner. These behaviors can often result in destruction of items, yards, angry neighbours, and seemingly uncontrollable aggression. Obsessive digging, continuous biting at their own feet, barking at nothing, attacking inanimate objects, all are symptoms of OCD.

The article practically calls Henry by name. Is it sad that I feel like my dog's anxiety is giving me anxiety? Such anxiety, in fact, that I've considered sharing his prescription? (Hey, I'm footing the bill.) We were told to expect results in about 3 weeks, as in humans. I will update the Prozac diary- hopefully, noting some sort of progress. On Day 1, Henry jumped a dog 3 times his size. Off to a great start.

Flo-Rida

2010-03-11T15:50:00.004-05:00

Joe and I packed up the Civic and hit the road for Flo-rida! Coincidentally, I sent an email to my best friend to detail our travel plans and realized, oh duh- this is where the rapper's name is derived. I feel like a moron for not realizing this previously. I digress. 8 hours and roughly $20 worth of toll fees (now I know why Floridians have no income tax) later, we got to sunny Cocoa Beach. At one point, Joe "shifted gears" through the toll. Reminder: my car is an automatic. He punched what he thought was the clutch, actually the brake pedal, and nearly put us both through the windshield. And I'm the bad driver??

We'd planned this trip for quite some time. The "Spring breaker" had a week off of school and my boss was roughing in in Aspen for the week, poor thing, so we decided on a quick vacay. It only took us $80 in gas to get there.

Surprisingly (obvious sarcasm), I had to work throughout my "vacation". Did my boss forget that the "P" in "PTO" stands for PERSONAL?? Perhaps I should notate the meaning of this acronym in the form of a post-it on his computer monitor. Too blatant? Sometimes I feel like my laptop is an extra appendage. I actually got a phone call while on the beach requesting my assistance with a project. Why? Because said caller's usual assistant was on vacation. I TOO AM ON VACATION. Do you hear the waves in the background? How about the screeching seagulls? How about the sound of me cracking a cold one into the receiver? It's times like these where I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm still a person. I used to believe I was at the bottom of the workforce totem pole. I now believe I am holding up the totem pole. I will step down from my corporate soapbox now.

On Monday night we met Katie for dinner! She looks amazing and I miss her. I decided that I want to rent a huge house someplace fun and throw a 5 year college reunion. This makes little sense as my closest NC State friends all graduated at different times but oh well. How desperate to re-live college life am I sounding right now?

Random Blurbs

2010-02-25T10:48:00.007-05:00

Last night, Joe ate an entire box of TagAlongs in one sitting. He called this "pulling an Allison". Should this tell me something about my eating habits??

Whitney just got out of her 4 day stint in the hospital due to a leakage in the sack around her brain. After not hearing from her at all during this time, I was getting increasingly worried. This is the text I received from her this morning--

"Can I tell you that I looked so greasy leaving the hospital today

and am 3 weeks behind on my color

that I debated leaving the hospital Michael Jackson style"

I just got word via my favorite crime source (ID Channel) that the infamous "Boston Strangler" case is being re-opened for investigation. Sad this is the highlight of my week.

Party of Five

2010-02-22T12:23:00.006-05:00

My parents and brother came into town this weekend! They all stayed at our apartment which was, well, cozy. I have no need or understanding of personal space when it comes to friends/family so I didn't even notice how tightly 5 people plus 2 obnoxious space-hogging dogs fit into our little apartment. Henry seemed to understand that they were family. He took the time to pee on each one of them, marking them as his "territory". They were not pleased with this fashion of initiation.

2010-02-22T11:47:00.007-05:00

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"- Kate Moss

Miss Moss has gotten herself into a heap of trouble over her personal mantra she quoted in an interview for WWD. Maybe I'm bad for saying this, but I don't see anything wrong with her comment. She's a SUPERMODEL. Her job is to be skinny. That's her job.

Columnists everywhere have their panties in a wad over the implications this has on the teen girl population. Well, columnists, I don't think Kate aspires to be a role model. Reminder: this is a girl who was arrested for snorting coke in the back alleys of London.

Despite my love of food, I tend to side with Kate.

What you know about that?

2010-02-19T14:38:00.006-05:00

OK- inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...T.I. (yes, the rapper) just WINKED AT ME! I almost ran smack into him in the food court below work. Wouldn't we make a great pair?? (Sorry, Joe)

Found in the Craigslist "Free" Section

2010-02-19T13:39:00.004-05:00

If you live in the greater Atlanta area and are currently seeking a used vintage toilet, a broken microwave or a bag of romance books (despite where they may have been), it's your lucky day!

Night at the Big Top

2010-02-19T10:44:00.016-05:00

ATLANTA, Ga. - Traffic in Atlanta, Georgia came to halt on Thursday afternoon when a zebra reportedly belonging to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus escaped and ran loose on the interstate.
It happened around 5 p.m. on Atlanta's downtown connector during rush hour. Police scrambled to get the zebra under control on Interstate 85 near downtown, following it on motorcycles until it was captured. Then, police walked the animal off of a nearby ramp, which was cordoned off. The zebra was then loaded into a trailer.

Since Joe had to work all weekend, we decided to do a bit of an unconventional Valentine's date and go to the circus last night. We are five.

Stop 1: McCormick's for happy hour. We had a delicious dinner and drinks fo' free. It was here that we first received the news that one of the Ringling Bros. zebras had escaped. Not only did he escape, but he ran like hell down the connector during rush hour traffic. ATLANTA rush hour traffic. In my mind, this zebra had spent years longing for freedom from his life as a circus act. He daydreamed of frolicking the Serengeti with a pack of comrades with the wind in his mane, of never again being forced to dance in circles on his hind legs to avoid a whip. Finally, his moment of glory came. He made a mad dash out of the big top. Can you imagine how shattered he must have been to see thousands of cars rushing at him as he navigated the concrete connector being chased by APD? OK- I've taken it too far. Animals cannot reason. I just hope they gave the poor guy the night off. The M&S bartender was whipping up "zebra shots" in his honor.

Stop 2: Phililps Arena for the circus. We quickly noticed that we were the only childless couple attending. We watched all the frantic parents attempt to calm their children as they screamed for light up swords and magic wands. Plastic treasures that'll run you upwards of $20. It was great to kick back and watch. We thoroughly enjoyed the circus. Both of us agreed on our favorite act: the dogs. Yes, the dogs. This is likely due to the fact that we're amazed by trained dogs that listen and obey on command. We're just proud when there are no accidents inside and the pups sit when we taunt them with bacon treats. The circus dogs were dancing, flipping, jumping hurdles and doing acrobatics that would make Henry and Ronin ashamed to be dogs. I wanted to go home and tell our pups what great lives they had. Well, that or sign them up for a stint with the traveling circus.

Stop 3: Marta station to head home. A hilarious family was standing next to us on the platform. They had 4 boys. All seemed to be little troublemakers. They thought Joe and I were the greatest thing since sliced bread. Likely because we thought their mischief was hilarious. They sat with us on the Marta all the way home.

Valentine's Weekend

2010-02-19T10:13:00.018-05:00

Judging by the blog title, you may think I'm going to write something sappy and romantic about mine and Joe's first Valentine's day as newlyweds- you'd be wrong. Joe had strep throat and worked all weekend while Whitney and I shopped our way around Atlanta amongst the crazed boyfriends/husbands dashing around the mall with Victoria's Secret bags and red cheeks.

I warned Whitney of the aggressive nature of the Lenox Mall parking lot. It wasn't long before a Diana Ross look-alike in a '93 Jag proved me right. We played by the rules. Found a spot, threw on the blinker and waited. Diana was much further down with her blinker on. We assumed she was waiting for a different spot. As we pulled in to the spot we'd so patiently waited to claim, said '93 Jag came within inches of slamming into the side of the Civic with the driver screaming at the top of her lungs, "you trashy-ass hoes!" To paint a mental picture, she looked to be a modern day Cruella DeVille. It's worth mentioning that we were wearing pea coats, scarves and turtlenecks while being called trashy. I found this greatly amusing. Also worth mentioning that I was secretly praying she'd hit my car and then I'd nail her insurance for prior damages. Whitney then did what Whitney does best, yelled out, "have a great day!" and flashed a smile. This sent Diana Ross into a FIT. She screamed out explitives that would make a sailor blush from the parking lot to the mall entrance.

We spent the ENTIRE weekend shopping and managed to find some good Spring steals. Despite Whitney's recent 21st birthday, we did not go out at all. This was not due to the fact that Whitney is currently experiencing a brain leak (can't remember the medical term) but moreso due to the fact that we were both 2 weeks behind on our highlights.

Ode to Justin Timberlake

2010-02-18T10:11:00.004-05:00

J.T.-

Thank you for William Rast. Thank you for bringing sexy back. And now, thank you for gracing the airwaves with "Carry Out":

Number one, I take you to the number three
That’s a whole out of you and a side of me
Now is a fool of myself to want you follow me
And if its room for dessert then I want a piece
Baby get my order right, no errors

I’m (…) you on the right areas
I can feed you, you can feed me
Girl, to live with that to me, come see me
Take my order cause your body like a
Carry out

...a song that has me craving Taco Bell at 10:15 AM.

Counting 1...2...3...

2010-02-04T11:54:00.006-05:00

Happy birthday, Roney (Roneface, Squishface, Pumpkin Butt, Fats)!!!

Ronin is three years old today. That equates to 21 in dog years. Party time! We will celebrate with a six-pack (of Frosty Paws). I can't believe it's already been 3 years. I love that pup and his Cindy Crawford beauty mark.

Go Beau, Go!

2010-02-03T10:12:00.013-05:00

"On a rainy Groundhog Day reminiscent of the September floods that nearly swept away his Gwinnett County home, a slightly wounded and very reluctant Gen. Beauregard Lee declared that spring is just around the corner."

This made my Groundhog's Day; which should, by the way, be a national-get-off-work holiday. Our local Georgian groundhog, Gen. Beauregard Lee* (a fitting name for a rodent mammal), did NOT see his shadow. Take that, Punxsutawney Phil**! Our national groundhog DID see his shadow yesterday, indicating 6 more weeks of winter. I, like most people, tend to choose the news source that most supports my own personal bias. Since I am an advocate of an early spring, I choose to believe Gen. Beau Lee. I am also the type of gal who roots for the underdog (under-hog in this case) and our sweet Beau has nearly lost his home this year and is sporting some painful injuries. He needs our support.

So here's to you, Beau. I'm breaking out the tanks, dusting off the high-waisted skirts and slapping on some fake tanner in anticipation of an early spring.

* pictured left

** pictured right

2010-02-02T20:11:00.003-05:00

Please break up with your girlfriend, Caleb Followill. I know I'm technically spoken for but I feel much more at ease when you're single and NOT kissing your supermodel girlfriend after winning a Grammy. Praying engagement is not on the horizon.

Love Your Obsessed Fan,

Allison Gowan, err, Baucom (minor detail)

Rest in Peace, Chivalry

2010-01-30T16:31:00.008-05:00

Besides the weather, one of the perks of living below the Mason-Dixon line is good ole' Southern hospitality. I am slowly becoming a non-believer. I commute via Marta (it's smarta) 5 days a week. Day after day I see healthy, young, agile twenty and thirty-something men rush to snatch the empty seats as the women, most in CorpAmerica sporting 4 inch heels with laptops in tow, cling to the train poles for dear life. Just the other day I hopped the train in my boots + hobo purse + laptop + lunch sac only to realize I was SOL. As I juggled all of my baggage nearly killing a child in a stroller, I surveyed the seated. One was a thug with a neck-tat sprawled across 2 seats sleeping, one a mid-twenties dapper Dan with his laptop comfortably rested in the adjacent seat, and several were able-bodied males taking up seats as women were standing. Some of the standing ladies were pregnant or elderly. There were even a couple of children running around without seats. Did chivalry go extinct with the T-Rex? The next time I'm seatless for someone's laptop (whose had a rough day at the office I'm sure) I'm going to sit on it.

Janu-weekend

2010-01-25T14:32:00.011-05:00

Being that I hate January/February more than any other time of year, I was thrilled that the weather was warm all last week (50s/60s). The weekend did not follow suit buuut it was a fun one.

Friday night Matt G. and Lesley joined Joe and I for the Bobcats vs. Hawks game. Being that the Bobcats have actually been winning, I decided to be a little feisty and talk some trash to my boss. After all, I'm the only Charlottian around and I have a lot of NC pride. Bad plan. The Bobcats got destroyed and I got mocked on Monday morning. Ouch. I (not surprisingly) got stuck at work late on Friday so I thought I'd miss the game altogether. Thankfully I blew this popsicle stand just in time to get home, change and hop on the sMarta. Les brought a Nalgene full of white wine for the ride. This is why I love her.

Ash and I took the puppers to Piedmont Park on Saturday. Not the wisest plan. The entire dog park was muddy and it was FREEZING out. Muddy park + white dog = disaster. Henry being the Napoleon that he is was initially very wary of the other dogs. He tried to play with their owners. I assume this is because he doesn't know he's a dog. He eventually made friends with a Great Dane who I'm still not sure wasn't a Clydesdale. And I thought Henny and Ronin were an awkward pair! Ha!

Lesley and I had dinner and vino on Saturday night. Shrimp and some Vietnamese sauce/marinade stuff that Lesley brought over. It was deeeee-lish!

We spent Saturday night at Tavern 99 with Kelleigh, Mike, John, Ashley and Kalyn. I love this place. It's an East Andrews bar sans obnoxiousness. Ash, Kalyn and I spent most of our evening cougar-watching and singing to 5 back-to-back Britney songs the DJ played. Beginning to see the appeal?

Sunday was super lazy per usual. We didn't get out of bed until 1. OOPS! Then we ordered Jimmy John's and laughed at the Tordano Warning for our county. My thoughts? There is no safer place than the mall. I spent the rest of my evening at Anthropologie torturing myself :) I live for the weekend.

Hibernation

2010-01-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

The weather in Atlanta over the last week has been unbearable. We've had ice, snow and ZERO degree temperatures (well, with windchill). We're only one state from the southernmost in the US. How can it be this cold?! Even Joe, a self proclaimed winter-lover, isn't digging this bitter cold. Why can't humans hibernate? Joe and I certainly took a stab at it this weekend.

Friday night we watched a marathon of the Dog Whisperer and tried to figure out how we can channel Caesar to train little Henry a.k.a. "Tiny Terror". I'm trying to be the "Pack Leader" that Caesar wants me to be, but this mess is hard. I spoil my little Henriesbutts. We're trying to set boundaries and blocked off our room with a baby gate. The puppers seem to respect the gate during the daytime but once it's time to hit the hay, the dogs cry and cry until we let them in our room. Sleeping is the only real talent I've been able to identify in myself so I sleep right on through all this drama. Joe hears every little yelp. Alas, dogs in the bed. Side note: Henry is going to group doggie class starting next month...the instructor refers to Henry's "tuition" and "class schedule" and "registration"...are we still talking about a dog?? I will post the hilarity at a later date.

Saturday Joe went to the dentist. I'm so proud of him. For someone who enjoys skydiving, motorcycle riding and any other adrenaline-fueled activity, the boy is terrified of the dentist. He bravely got his crown and went to work. I spent the ENTIRE day cleaning. Not my ideal Saturday, but hey- I'm hibernating, remember? So I did tons of laundry, cleaning, organizing, etc. Matt G., "Grandpa", came over for dinner (homemade pizzas, mmm-mmm) and hung out until midnight-ish. I'm glad he came over. I needed some sarcasm in my life.

Sunday we laid in bed until 1PM. We felt like total lazy bones. Then we went to Target for my all-time most favorite activity: school supply shopping! That's right ladies and gents, Joe starts school TOMORROW! I can't wait for my little entreprenuer to graduate. For the rest of today I'm going to possibly watch the murder mystery Joe recorded for me (he knows my criminal obsessions too well) and finish up Saturday's cleaning and make some Chicken Parm. Now you don't have to be an Italian chef, TO BE AN ITALIAN CHEF! (so obsessed with this commercial).

Upcoming excitement: Bradley and Kim come to Atlanta (Feb. 6), Parents come to Atlanta ths month and Joe starts school (tomorrow)!

This one's for you, Joey. Thanks for a perfectly lazy weekend together:

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

Oh all I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you

Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you

Feed you

Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink

I could be the one who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you - Adam Sandler, The Wedding Singer

Believe me, Sweetie- I've got enough to feed the needy...

2010-01-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

Don't think this is what Notorious BIG meant buuuut we may literally be eating this meal until the end of time and/or feeding small countries. This is what happens when you forget to change your allrecipes.com recipe from a standard serving of 8 to a serving of 2. Looks like Denise Austin and I will be spending extra time together this week :/

Ringin' in 2010

2010-01-05T13:53:00.000-05:00

This year was our first year spending NYE in Atlanta. The past two years we've been in Chicago and the year before that, Charlotte. Holy s*%* this was our fourth New Years together. Time flies.

We decided on Park Tavern. It's a gorgeous bar/restaurant/event venue towards the back of Piedmont Park that overlooks the skyline. We actually looked at having our wedding reception here but decided that July + Atlanta, Georgia + an oudoor wedding full of formally-dressed drinkers could turn into a hot mess, literally. Well that and the fact that the venue was booked. Thankfully, all of our friends had the same gameplan for NYE. We got there right as the event started and it didn't take long for the place to fill up. It was PACKED, but fun. They played enough GaGa and Michael Jackson to keep the peace.

Although the evening ended in liquor-drenched hair (thank you, bar patron) and bloody feet (damn you, Steve Madden) for me, it was a blast.

2010 RESOLUTIONS

Joe- quit smoking. FOR-EV-ER.

Allison- work out 5x per week. A bit of a lofty goal for me, I know.

'Bama Bowl Game Bound...Brrrrr!

2010-01-05T13:18:00.001-05:00

Alliteration overkill, je sais.

Joe, Ashley, Kasik, Chase and I road tripped it to Birmingham, AL this past weekend for the USC vs. UCONN bowl game. It was the papajohns.com bowl game. Maybe I'm just being defensive, but I'd almost rather NCState be bowl-less (as they were this year) than play in one with an embarrassing name.

Other embarrassing bowl names thanks to their respective sponsors:

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Little Caesar's Bowl

Meineke Car Care Bowl (sorry, UNC)

Roady's Humanitarian Bowl

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

When we arrived at the tailgate meet Ash's fam, her cousin informed us that there were 89 homicides in downtown Birmingham this year alone. Additional fact: downtown Birmingham seems to be approximately 5 square blocks. Paranoid as I am, I decided not to flee the city. The game was 13 degrees with windchill to boot= MISERABLE. Plus, no one appreciated the "Aspen look" I was going for. Despite the USC loss, it was a fun weekend in hicktown.

You don't smell like Santa. You smell like beef...and cheese.

2009-12-26T15:48:00.001-05:00

We made out like bandits this year :) Fave gifts: gorgeous mirror and side table combo from Ikea, PS3 (shoot me in the face) and a cute weekender. Thanks, Santa! Click for a hip-hop holiday. I couldn't help myself...